Homeland Farm

Homeland Farm

Sunday, February 9, 2014

500 Channels and not a thing to watch..

    
My view from the dialysis chair, If I don't watch TV
As many of you know, I have to do dialysis three times a week, which I am luck enough to be able to do at home. Three times a week, Brogan hooks me up to my home dialysis machine, and I sit for four plus hours while the machine cleans my blood and puts it back.
      Now, I am not much of a television watcher, but that is what I do during those four hours. I commandeer the remote control, and settle in to watch television. Or should I say, I TRY to watch television. My gosh...we have a ton of channels, and my gosh..there is nothing on any of them. In case you aren't privy to "Direct TV", let me enlighten you as to my choices today.
       I start out at channel 6, and work my way up to the upper 400's every time. It is a habit I can't seem to break. So, off we go!
       I start out with a couple shows that sound breath taking..
"MOP SMARTER, NOT HARDER", or perhaps "UNDER $10 FRENZY". Not sure about you, but they don't catch my attention at all. I'm actually afraid to go to the "frenzy" channel..not sure what I would be seeing.
       Then, there is "SHARK VS DYSON"..Now, I'm not sure who this Dyson fella is, but my money is on the shark. Too gory for me, so I decided not to watch that show either.
       Then I came to a show with a mess of dead guys.."JOHN DENVER, LOUIS ARMSTRONG, NAT KING COLE"..Figured I wouldn't find much on that show to catch my eye.
        A few numbers higher, and it was everything Hawaiian or Alaskan. There was "Buying...Building...and Frontier-ing" Alaska. Oh, and "Alaska Troopers"..them too. For Hawaii, you can "Buy Hawaii", or pretend to sample "Hawaiian Life".
Or watch "Dog the Bounty Hunter" and his gang round up bad guys in Hawaii. I saw all that bling around his neck and said..nahh.
         Then there were the shows about the men. Too many if you ask me. There was "Gator Boys", "Swamp Men", "Ax Men", and "Laz-y Boys". Boring, as well as lazy.
          Soon, I was in California show land. "Kardashians," "Rich Housewives of Beverly Hills", and a new show "Beverly Hill Rich Kids'. Seriously. I just want to slap them. Oh, and make them shovel manure. With a spoon. That is all I have to say about that.
           Then, I was off to infomercials. I saw 4 shows on the best..LADDER, BRA, BLENDER, AND HAIR REMOVER.
Not interested. Unless of course, you can remove the hair..with a blender, while on a ladder, wearing a bra..THAT I would watch. Heck, that I would DO!
           Finally..we were in the sad section of television land..the poor afflicted people. You know the ones..the ones that star in "Hoarders", "Rehab Addict", "Intervention" and the like. No thanks. Not my idea of fun television viewing.
          I thought I was doomed, but I managed to find one station that had something worth watching. My night was saved.
          "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
            the tale of a fateful trip,
            that started from this tropic port..
            aboard this tiny ship......."