Homeland Farm

Homeland Farm

Tuesday, March 13, 2018


  I know, I know. The groans of my fellow New Englanders can be heard echoing the land today, as we get dumped on by the third "Nor'Easter" in less then two weeks. And here I thought we were going to get out of this winter pretty well unscathed..well, minus the weeks and weeks of double digit cold we had back in January,
Bare ground..not for long
            But nope. I looked out this morning and said " HA! LOOK CLIFFY BABY! NOT EVEN SNOWING!" It was supposed to have started at midnight-ish, but took its own sweet time getting ramped up. Whoa...did anyone else notice how "Maine Weather Womanish" I just sounded? I bet I could do the weather. Lets see..
Maine-ly SICK of winter moose, complete with matching smile

            Howdy. I'm Carmen Horton, coming to you LIVE from the fields of Homeland Farm. Wicked Crappy outside, and unless you are desperate for toilet paper, milk or Allens coffee brandy, I would NOT recommend going out into this mess.
            The storm which I have decided to call "Hesperus", cause she is gonna wreck my driveway and lawn, was slow coming up the coast, and I think got hung up down on the Cape. But By Godfrey, it is cranking like an old Model T now, and dumping the white stuff by the inch.
             I hate to say it, but Jeezum Crow...This looks to be a doozy. A couple inches an hour as I measure it on my go buggy, which isn't going too darn far in this mess. I think I better go check my bread. (INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE).
This weather brought to you by HOMELAND LOAF. UGLY, BUT IT TASTES GOOD.

             BACK TO YOU, CARMEN.
Thanks camera man Cliffy

             Now, as I was sayin', it is coming down at a pretty good clip, making the roads slipperier then a greased cats ass. I haven't seen but one plow truck all day out here in the country, but then, it is almost suppah time. Them plow boys gotta eat too.
             Now, What I think is gonna be the kicker in this whole mess, is ole Hesperus isn't likely to give up the ghost any time soon. Nope, I think this particular "Nor'Easter" is gonna be stuck to us like a tick on a dog for the next 24 hours, dumping the white stuff like crazy.
             Be ready for some wicked windy gusts too. Gonna blow out there like Grampa after the Saturday night bean suppah. I think there are going to be some powah outages, and I bet more then one or two, by the time this blows over. So, git those generators ready, but don't fire them up inside, for love nor God nor money! Keep those babies ready but fire them up outside!

             Moral of the story...Be ready for a crap ton of this white mess. Don't drive unless Mother REALLY wants chocolate at the store, and For God's sake..LIFT WITH YOUR KNEES! Now, I'm going inside and mix up a little Allens Coffee brandy and Milk.
Bugs? Snow? Toss up, says the horses...

             PS...A word of advice, if you find yourself laughing your butt off at something as simple as passing someone a brownie, and watching them fail to take it from your hands because they are using scissor fingers, you just might have a case of cabin fever. Better make that Allens a DOUBLE!
Snowing cats and dogs...well, cats anyway
Also...that is an egg candler, fyi....;)

Monday, February 5, 2018

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to....Part 2

Previous birthday festivities
Another year gone and here I am at the ripe old age of 55. Wait...55?? How the heck did that happen? I  remember when my mother was 40, and I thought that was just plain old. Now, here I am 15 years older then that even, and I realize 55 is just a young whippersnapper. A mere babe. Well, except for all the creaking, groaning and various aches and pains that goes along with having lived a half century.
           Cameron and I went to Windham today for various errands, and he reminded me of a couple incidents that happened to me, that while not funny at the moment, are pretty funny now. Interesting how that happens..good thing I have a sense of humor.
            One example of one of those weird things that seem to only happen to me, and me alone...The Baconator assault. Ever been hurt eating a burger? I have. The one (and only) time I ate a Baconator from a certain fast food joint that shall go unnamed ( Wendys), I had a sharp piece of bacon actually impale my gum, making me bleed. Who even knew you could make a shank out of a pork product. Prisoners have it all wrong whittling down tooth brushes and razor handles. You can do serious damage to delicate tissue just by poking it with a sharp shard of bacon. I was bleeding so badly, I couldn't even finish my sandwich, not that I didn't give it the old college try. I paid for that weapon of mass destruction, after all. Yuck.
             Another example of "it can only happen to Carmen", occurred one day when I was driving to Windham with Brogan, Cam and Cam's friend Isaiah. Due to my kidney issues, I am prone to cramps, sometimes so severe I can't help but yell, writhe and make all sorts of faces and noises while I try and get the spasms to stop. At the time, they are not funny AT ALL. However, this one time, it was pretty funny.
             I was driving along, Bro in the passenger seat, listening to Cam and Isaiah chatting away in the backseat. Suddenly, WHAM!! I had a huge spasm in my right hand, which naturally, was the one I was holding the steering wheel with.
            "AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" I yelled, as my right thumb was locked into a spasm tightly against my palm. I had no choice but to drive the car into the breakdown lane, yelling "AHHHHHH, AHHHHH" the entire time.
             "WHAT??WHAT??" Isaiah yelled, trying to see what calamity had just erupted in the front seat.
             "MY THUMB! I CAN'T MOVE MY THUMB!!" I yelled back. I actually had to take my left hand and manually bend my thumb back out of the locked position it was in. We sat there on the side of the road for a few moments, hazard lights blinking, while I regained my composure.
             "Whew, okay, let's go, " I said, pulling back out into the road. Darned if we hadn't gone about a quarter of a mile when the same thing happened, my right thumb cramped into a wonky position, our car careening back into the breakdown lane, Isaiah and I both hollering. I think we FINALLY got to Windham, but it was one long trip.
              As if kidney disease and it's cramps, asthma and allergies and bad joints weren't enough, I also suffered from sleep apnea. As any number of friends, neighbors, and random strangers that had the dubious honor of catching me dozing in public will attest, I used to snore like a water buffalo with a head cold. It was measurable on the richter scale. It was tragic. Didn't bother me any, but I knew if I wanted to ever co-habitate successfully with anyone, I better try and solve the problem.
              So, I went to see my Doctor, who then sent me to see a Doctor, who then sent me to a sleep clinic. After being fully wired up, I went to sleep, I guess. I didn't think I had even nodded off, but I must have, as the next day they had a diagnosis. They announced I did indeed snore, and stopped breathing, thus having a moderate case of sleep apnea. They prescribed a "CPAP" machine, and away I went to try it out.
              For those not in the know, a CPAP machine is this little machine with a face mask and long tube that fits over your face and forces the air into your nose, and down into your lungs. It does it with a pretty darn strong stream of air, thus making sure you don't have sleep apnea.
              It lasted about three nights. It felt like I had my own personal tornado blowing up my nose. I swear my eyeballs were whistling, there was so much pressure. I gave it a really good try as I was very hopeful it would work, and besides.. My only other option was .....dieting. Apparently dieting will also help eliminate snoring since you will lose the fatty throat, neck, and body tissue that can  cause snoring.
             The final straw came on about the third or fourth night. I was in the middle of this terrible dream. I was in a life or death struggle with a giant snake. I couldn't tell if it was a Boa or an Anaconda, but we were writhing and rolling and twisting. That snake was doing everything it could to kill me, and I was fighting with all my might to get it off me. I awoke, heart pounding and sweaty, and realized I was choking the life out of my CPAP breathing tube, which was hissing and whistling as I squeezed it and throttled it over my head. I tossed it to the floor, wiped the sweat from my brow and vowed to diet.
Also in need of dieting..my teddie Peke
           I'm happy to say I no longer snore, as I have managed to lose 50 pounds from my CPAP days. Once I get another dozen or so peeled off, I should be able to get on the transplant list. Then, it is goodbye cramps, dialysis and hello freedom from tubes and needles. Oh..and this summer, yours truly is getting back on a horse. It's only been about 30 plus years. It oughta be interesting, really , really interesting.  All I can say is..Film at 11.
           PS...I also need to go to a professional photographer and get some decent head shots. In trying to find a fair at best photo of me for this blog..these are a small sample of all I had to work with.
Me digging in septic tank
me, impersonating Santa in cemetery

Conditioner, STAT!!

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Not easy being me...

          Happy New Year to all 16 of my followers! And all those really bored Russian people that have started reading my blog lately. No, really! I can see the stats of where in the world my blog has been read and it is fascinating. Remember the kid show "Where in the world is Carmen Santiago?" or whatever it was called? I have my own version..."Where in the world is Carmen Horton being laughed at." Pretty sure it is only because I mention the word "flannel", as in "flannel nightgowns" in one of my posts, and God knows the Russian folks can use good flannel. Once they find my blog, they are unable to tear themselves away from the MANY lovely photos I have posted and are stuck there...well, until they have read 16 pages anyway.
Can you Have too many flannel nightgowns?? NYET!!
          I digress already. Here I am for what has turned into my semi annual blog post. Not sure why I can't just plunk down and type a few words randomly, every few days. I mean, I am busy, that is very true. But ole Ree Drummond, AKA Pioneer Woman blogs several times a week, and she has this gazillion dollar empire she has to manage too. I have a $17.87 empire to manage, and can only seem to blog every six months. I am pretty sure however, I have to manage things that she has pawned off on her hired staff however, freeing up several hours a week to blog from her much newer, can almost do everything itself computer. Let me give you a few examples and you can get a better understanding of why blogging is so tough for CC Horton.
Don't even get me started on my beauty routine..
         Example number one! Someone has to cook and clean. Ree does lots of cooking, but I am willing to bet most of it is done on her Food Network show. The rest of the time, I bet she has help or just eats all the stuff the rest of the week that she cooked on her show. I have to go to the store on almost a daily basis because I never have the ingredients for ANYTHING I try to make. I could try and make a bowl of crackers and milk for lunch and be out of crackers. Or milk. Or both. Off to the store I go. Time consuming. I always seem to end up at FOOD CITY (Where America shops!), and even though I employ their one and only auto buggy, it takes awhile to get stuff done. Firstly, I have to recover from plunking my butt down on said go buggy, as I call it, because they park it just inside the doors where the carts are. It has been two weeks of record setting cold here in Maine, and while it may not be -25 degrees just inside those sliding doors, it ain't much warmer. My butt goes instantly numb the moment it hits that cold plastic seat, and I have to wait until I can feel my cheeks again before I can safely operate it, or I might slide off, having lost my "gripping " power, due to numbness.
         Once I manage to get inside, I try and get what I need quickly and get out. This in itself can be trouble, because I've been known to swing out the end of the aisle kinda wide sometimes, knocking over stuff like ohhh, I don't know...wine displays. Liam was with me the other day when that very thing occurred, and yelled out "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!", in a strange Irish brogue. I thought I had happened upon an Irish Spring commercial or something, but no. It was just a mortified teenager. We had to set up all the wine bottles that had fallen over, and when I say we, I of course mean Liam. See what I mean..time consuming.
Ummm..I outdid myself with these
          Don't even get me going on cleaning. Holy smoke, no really! We are currently in winter heating mode, which in this old farmhouse means- wood stove, pellet stove, and oil. Smoke, dust, wood pieces, bark and kibble are everywhere. Remember a couple blogs ago where I was cleaning, and painting and reveling in how white and tidy my house was looking after the spring housecleaning marathon? I swear, it's like I haven't done a thing. Dust coats radiators and furniture..hair from mostly refusing to go outside dogs and definitely not going outside cats. Don't get me started on the toddler prints on all my windows. At -20 degrees, no animal or human wants to go outside, and so we all hunker inside, and make messes. I try and stay ahead of it, but yeah..not so much. Spring and housecleaning is coming...I've only got 4 months to try and keep dust bunnies to a minimum, and if you know bunnies, you know how they like to  "reproduce". It is amazing I blog at all honestly.
"We're not messy mom, we promise"
          Not that I don't have other things to distract me from blogging besides cooking and cleaning. Said toddler, my granddaughter Milly, is here daily and she and Granny have stuff they have to do. Like, for example..rubbing on hand cream. Daily. If it weren't for all the aforementioned cooking and cleaning, I would have the softest hands going. We also have to "eat eat" as she calls it, where we make her breakfast. More cooking. She likes to take a bath in Granny's kitchen sink, although at over 2 she is now almost too big to fit. We still fold her up and let her soak, spray water, and splash. She keeps Granny very busy, again limiting my blogging capabilities.
Helping Granny wash dishes..sort of
           Once in a great while, I get off the farm for fun, which is great, but blog hindering as well. Milly, her mom and I went to see good old Santa at the Portland Mall a week before Christmas. We did a bit of shopping before going to the mall. Granny needed new britches and Momma wanted stuff from a couple stores near the mall. We drove down in my mother's van, which has a dvd player to keep SOMEONE amused on the hour long trip. Now, I am not really used to her van, which has a lot more 'bells and whistles' then my old ford. All the doors on the van open with buttons on the key chain which can take some getting used to.
           We got out at the mall, and I opened the door behind the drivers seat to help Brogan get Milly changed and out of the van for our meeting with Santa. I hit the close button, and heard Bro hollering "STOP! STOP THE DOOR!" I turned back, and watched as the automatic door made quick work of a loaf of bread that had the misfortune of falling into the way of the closing door. Half the loaf was on the outside of the car, the other half disappearing out of sight as the door closed up, pinching the  bread in half. I managed to save it by sticking my arm inside the remaining space. Not the BEST way to stop the door, but it worked, and I only had a slight bruise.
           We got the bread in, my arm out, Milly out, and got ready to go into the mall. I clicked the 'lock all doors" button, and we went inside. Naturally, we entered the mall the furthest distance possible from where Santa was located, so after what seemed to be an hours march, we finally came to the Winter Wonderland and the jolly fat man himself.
Telling Santa how much she can't wait to meet him..or not,,
           Santa was set up in an area with several kid friendly displays. Toy trains, coloring stations, a Tv playing 24/7 Christmas shows, a photo booth, and ole Santa himself on a big chair waiting to meet children. To get to all this however, we had to walk across blindingly white, shiny floors. Poor Milly. Apparently, we need to get her out more, well, maybe just out of Granny's less then spotless house, because she was terrified of walking on a floor that shiny. Seriously, would NOT walk on the floor. I admit, it was pretty white and highly polished. Showoffs. Poor little chickie. She had to be carried by Momma or she just froze and whimpered, afraid to step on the floor, which was nothing compared to when she saw Santa.
           Now this kid has been eating, breathing, watching, talking about and dancing with Santa for weeks. She loves him, loves reindeer, snowmen and the whole nine yards. Seeing a REAL SANTA, different story. We managed to get her to high five him, and kind of sit near him, sort of,  for .5 seconds before she burst into tears. Good times. Did manage to get one photo where she was only sort of teary, and decided to go.
"Stay away Santa.."
            "BYE SANTA!", Milly yelled happily, as she left the Winter Wonderland, carried by her mother because the floors were just WAY too clean. Next year, I bet she will love him. This year, he was great...from afar. I decided to wait for Brogan at a closer exit, while she and Milly hoofed it back the way we came in to grab the car.
            I didn't have too long to wait until they pulled up, Bro laughing and laughing in the driver's seat.
            "What?" I asked, as I slide into the seat beside her. Apparently, when she walked out of the mall to get the car, she headed toward the van, and thought "who's car is that? Where is our van?"
She was confused because, the van she was looking at had the tailgate up, like someone was loading or unloading the trunk.
              "OH MY GOD!" she yelled, sprinting across parking lot, Milly bouncing in her arms, when she realized, YES it was our van, and YES I had hit the "open tailgate" button, instead of the "lock all doors" button. She ran to the back of the van, hardly daring to look and see if anything at all was left inside. Luckily, EVERYTHING was there, all the bags, my jeans, squished bread loaf, everything. I said I bet any criminal was like.."yeah, that's a bait car, I'm not touching that stuff." Apparently, Milly isn't the only one that needs to get out more. Perhaps I better take my own wheels though. Yep, pretty sure I should.
               Christmas and all it's preparations was a very busy time, and also a "can't even think about blogging" time of year. I think Ree managed it. I don't know how. She also gives away lots of cool stuff on her blog. I think I need to start doing that. I think maybe it would help me blog more often, if I had a lot more blog readers. I think my first offering will be..ohhhh, I don't know...how about a pinched in half loaf of bread? That kind of thing is bound to get me more blog readers, THUS making me want to blog more. Or not.
Squeeky Snowman

               I know..A NEW YEARS RESOLUTION! That will do it. Okay, I hereby resolve to write in my blog AT LEAST TWICE A YEAR. No, wait..that was last years resolution. I hereby resolve to write in my blog MONTHLY for 2018! Whoa...that's big. Wish me luck Russia!! I'm gonna need it! Now, to go scrub my floors a blinding white..........................................

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Guess who is a Military Mamma?

 Good October 21st to everyone. Yet again, the summer just flew by like a bat outta hell, and they are FAST! I remember my grandmother telling me time goes faster the older you get, and as I am now OLDER, I fully understand what she meant. One month just melted into the next, and BLINK! IT IS OCTOBER!
        We were all very busy this past summer, and it seems grand kids, health issues and making home improvements were a big part of it. I guess I will begin with a brief synopsis of the crazy summer had by all here at Homeland Farm.
         Spring came and with it, a serious case of " We need to spruce up the place". I was the only one that suffered from the actual disease, but I was very good at spreading it around. (Insert evil grin here.) I worked diligently on my spring cleaning until I got to the kitchen. Then...the real fun began.
Cliff, Liam, Cam and I tore up the old kitchen flooring, and cleaned up all the fine dirt and dust that was underneath it. Then, Cliff and I tore off the old wallpaper, and painted like fiends. He painted the ceiling and I did the trim and doors, wainscotting and windows. Then, he and I put up new wall paper..lots of fun. He loves wall papering with me. Just ask him. (Insert evil grin here.)
Good looking wallpaper hanger, right there..
          I then decided I thought we also needed to sand all the cupboards. Bad move. Holy smoke...DUST. WAS. EVERYWHERE. I had to wash every thing that was in that kitchen. Every spoon..every spatula...every dish...every cupboard. OMG. Never again. On a good note...the cupboards look good. On a bad note..Cliffy isn't speaking to me. Just kidding. He is nothing if not the most patient person ever.
         Then, we moved to the laundry room...more of the same. Paint, paper, cleaning. Serious cleaning. So much better. I don't know why we waited so long to do it over.
          I apparently had way too much to drink one night had an epiphany.
          "Cliffy!", I said, clearly three sheets to the wind. "Ya know what we should do?? We should remodel the apartment." Did I mention he is patient? We have a small apartment in our barn that we want to set up as an air bnb, but it was in desperate need of remodeling. SO! The next two months, we tore out, cleaned out, painted, painted and painted. We had a carpenter come do the serious stuff, and then it was time to paper. Oh, did I mention I was also commandeering a small crew of painters OUTSIDE, as well. Cam, Liam and Nolan were busy working with me, and by themselves on outside paint jobs. We painted the ice cream building, the out building behind the house and the white board fencing. Plus...we put in a garden, planted flowers, cleaned house etc etc etc. You need to wear sunglasses when you travel down Middle Ridge Rd there is so much white paint. Blinding, and just the way I like it. (Insert evil grin here.)
"Blinded by the white.."
            It was time to start wallpapering, when Cliffy decided to buck the system, in a big way. He threw down his paint brush one day, and said "A QUADRUPLE BYPASS SOUNDS LIKE MORE FUN THEN THIS!" so, off he went.
            He had the surgery the first week of Sept, and it has been a long recovery for him. While the surgery itself went well, the recovery has been tough. He had to have fluid removed from his chest, he has had trouble with fluid collecting everywhere and needed a hospitalization to get that under control, and has had general overall weakness issues. However, I am hoping that he has FINALLY turned a corner, and at this now 7 week mark, he is starting to begin to feel better, and will only improve from here. Yay Cliffy! We love ya!
Cliffy recovering in the hospital
              My grand daughter Milly has been here on a daily basis and is a real farm gal. She loves her animals, being outside and hanging out with "gigi and bampy" as she calls Cliff and I. She is now 2 and very busy, as all 2 year olds are. She helps her "bubba" (mamma) do chores and loves to ride the tractor and on her pony, Meatball.
Milly and her pal Meatball...or "Buddy" as she calls him
              My oldest son Cam has been a big help this summer, being at my beck and call and Brogan has been very busy with the animal rescue work, chores, and of course, her mini me..Milly. Liam, my 17 year old, is now in the Army Reserves, as of 1:00 pm today.
              He has wanted to join the Army for years, and joined the reserves today, even though he is still a Junior in high school. He was to be sworn in today after his physical and testing, so naturally I wanted to be there.
              Cliff, Nolan (Liam's 13 year old cousin) and I went to the Military Enlistment Center to be there when he signed in, but it was more of a challenge then we thought it would be. We were told to walk in the door, and take the elevator to the third floor. We proceeded to get on said elevator and pushed the 3. Nothing. Pushed the 3 again. Nothing. Pushed the 3 about 15 times. Nothing.
              I got out the paper with the directions and saw that there was supposed to be a "talk" button that we were supposed to push. Well, we pushed every button we could find. We got in and out of the elevator 5 times. Not a soul in sight, mind you. No signs..no people...no nothing.
               "Hello?? HELLOOOOO???" We kept saying to...no one, as we pushed every button we could find. Now, I would like to say it only took us 2-3 minutes to realize we were probably on the WRONG ELEVATOR. But, alas, it was really more like 15. Finally, I said, "There HAS to be a talk button in the lobby or this isn't the right elevator."
                We got off and I walked out, leaving my roller buggy behind, with my purse dangling on the handle bars, the door open while I looked for that missing talk button. Cliff was ahead of me, Nolan behind.
                Suddenly, I hear Nolan say.." Ahhhh Auntie Carmen..there goes the elevator door..." Crap. I looked over and the door was closed. I thought.." For God's sake elevator...DON"T WORK NOW!"
Nolan hit the up button, and whew. It was still there, my lonely buggy and bag sitting quietly alone in the elevator.
                Frustrated, because we were going to be late, I told everyone to follow me, and we went down this long corridor. We were like rats in a maze, trying to find the secret Army Elevator. FINALLY! Around another corner there it was..complete with TALK BUTTON! We pushed the button...and a man's voice said..." WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
                Feeling a bit like Dorothy talking to the wizard, I said we wanted to go to the third floor.
               "Who are you here for???" came the voice.
                "We are here to see Liam Opie swear in." I said, wondering if the flying monkeys were going to be showing up soon.
                BING! The elevator opened magically and we got on, and pushed the 3. UP WE WENT!
The door opened...and WHOA! Guys with guns, xray machines, and a full body scanner were there to meet us.
                "This is a federal building and we need to scan your possessions, as well as your persons," said the big guy in front. Now I was like..ok, wasn't expecting this, but ok. Cliff and Nolan took off their belts, and cliff went thru fine. I was relieved he wasn't packing heat today..would have been hard to explain about our coyote problem. They didn't have a sense of humor. He had me pass my 4 wheeled go buggy thru the scanner, which of course set off beeps. I tried not to laugh as I watched him pick it up and shake it...flip it over, look under the seat etc. I was thinking..most fun that buggy has ever had. (Insert evil grin here.) Then, I went thru with no problem, collected my go buggy on the other side and sat to wait for Nolan.
                  I knew this was a serious time, but I had a really hard time keeping a straight face as I imagined what would have happened if that elevator had miraculously worked when my buggy and purse were the only things inside. I could see the doors to the third floor opening up and out rolls just my go buggy and a large dangling bag hanging from handles! KABOOM! The bomb squad would have detonated my purse or shot up "ole Blue" my go buggy. (Insert evil laugh here.)
                  Anyway..I digress. Cliff and I waited while Nolan had his turn thru the scanner. BEEP BEEP BEEP!! Oh no. Now what?
                  "Did you empty your pockets like I told you to?" the big guy asked Nolan, who was clearly confused. He assured him that he had, but he scanned him again..BEEP BEEP BEEP!
Turns out, Nolan, who was wearing giant calf high rubber boots, didn't realize that they were STEEL TOE BOOTS. We FINALLY got inside and were shown to the family waiting area.
                   As it turns out, we didn't need to rush, as it was almost an hour and a half later before LIAM MASON RHEA OPIE  was sworn into the UNITED STATES ARMY. We got lots of great photos, and I am happy to say, it was a lot easier getting out of the building then getting in. We stopped for a celebratory lunch, and made our way back home, new Private in tow.
Private Opie
                  Time now for fall work..we have firewood to stack, lawns to rake, and the apartment to finish. Cliff needs  to continue his recovery and I need to stay out of elevators. See ya Soon..Over and Out from Homeland Farm.Time to go play Taps outside Liam's door. Gotta get him used to this stuff. (Insert evil laugh here.)
Nolie and Liam..pals and cousins forever

Saturday, February 4, 2017

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to...


  Hello again. This blog is brought to you by an ever older Carmen C. Horton. Anyone else find that the older you get, the older you get? What do I mean? Well, let me explain.
          Generally speaking, I am not one to dwell on wrinkles, gray hair and saggy skin. Oh, and my favorite...chinny whiskers. Generally speaking, that is. I think it is due to the fact that my eye sight is so crappy these days I just can't see all of it as well as I used to.Of course, it helps that my light shades in the bathroom and bedroom are so well covered with a fine layer of dust, I can barely find my clothes to get dressed. Plus, on top of everything, I now have to take my glasses OFF to see anything anyways. What the??
           But then, one day you are glancing into your rear view mirror, or washing a window and catch a glimpse of your image in the clean glass and BAM! Where in GOD'S NAME did that long chinny whisker come from? Or, as is usually my case, where did that BILLY GOAT'S BEARD come from?? BAAAA!!!! Followed closely by.. how long have I been sporting it? And most importantly, how come no one noticed and clued me in?
           My daughter, bless her heart, is always quick to point out and pluck off the offending freakish, follicle dweller. Naturally, it is usually accompanied by a blatttttt...or a meowwww. I don't know...are cat whiskers less offensive then a goat beard? Six of one, half a dozen of another, really. I seem to have much darker face hair then head hair. How odd. Oh don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of long white hair..but as gray as my head hair is now, my face hair has made a concerted effort to maintain a naturally dark brunette. Thanks for that.
Who has more dark whiskers?? Hard sayin'...
           I was doing some "pruning" the other day while the sunlight was shining in the bathroom just right, giving me enough blinding glare to actually be able to see something. All of a sudden, I thought I was looking at a road map. Seriously. My forehead was WRINKLED..like not one or two frown line wrinkles. It was much more like a New York City subway drawing. Whoa. I pulled this way...yanked that...Try as I might, there was no smoothing it out. When did that happen? Now I am "smiley" person, so the eye wrinkles and crinkles are just "laugh lines", and to me, are not offensive. The twelve or so canyons across my forehead look deep enough to hide wild horses in, and trust me, no one would ever find them. I'm not even going to mention the long troughs running down both sides of my nose, nor do I even want to think about the two grooves running down to my chin, one on either side of my mouth. I know what is to be expected from those, having seen my grandmother and several great aunts blotting their faces as the ice cream they are eating gets caught up in the grooves and makes a milky river that needs constant wiping. Yep, it's coming.
Take the subway at 49th street.. get off at 51st street
           You know what else I am amazed at? How is it possible that my muscles have turned into..well..not muscles. I was a rugged farm chick, tossing hay bales and lugging grain with the best of them. Now, I hoist the 20 pound cat litter bag, and think I should qualify for the Olympics.Those strong arm muscles?Apparently gravity got to them because they now dangle on the UNDERSIDE of my arms.  My knees are shot, and passing gas has unfortunately become something I excel at. Why? I just don't know. Is it fair? Not to my poor, long suffering family. They are now used to "can you carry this for me?" and "someone grab me the mustard while you are out in fridge". Oh..and the aforementioned gas...well, let's just say having a granddaughter to blame is SO handy, Poor Milly. Too bad she is such a ripe kid. I hope she doesn't grow up too fast. At some point, she will be able to say "GRANNY DID IT, NOT ME!!"
"Your blaming me for WHAT??"
            So..what is a fifty four year old to do, on the eve of her birthday? Sulk. Nawww...that won't get you anywhere. Party like it's 1999? God no...no hangovers for this old gal. It would take me until my next birthday to recover. I think I will just celebrate those wrinkles, chinny whiskers, gray hair and saggy arms with a glass of bubbly, delicious food and the family. Besides, I am 'this side of the sod', and ready to rock 2017...Let's do this! Oh, and no thanks..no beans for me. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Bad Animal Selfies...

          I am amazed everyday when I see friends on Facebook proudly displaying their selfies. For the most part, everyone always seems to look great. Nice smile, hair combed, no double chin(s).
          Not one to be left out of the loop, I too joined the "selfie parade'. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite as successful as some of my friends in taking a great photo of myself. Actually, I wasn't successful at all. My "nice smile" always came off as a lopsided smirk, my hair is really never combed, and those double chins, well, better make it a triple.
           As I was going through my online photo albums in search of a great selfie, I realized I am in good company.  Seems the animals here at Homeland Farm also have a real problem with selfies. Let me show you what I mean.
Here is Liam trying to model his military uniform..no thanks to Annalee
        Annalee is very much like me, as far as selfies go. I think she is Queen of bad animal selfies.She and I both have a lot to learn.
  Molly decided to give it a go. Almost nailed it Molly. Almost.

 Now to be fair, it isn't just the dogs struggling to take a good selfie. The other animals have had their fair share of issues as well. See the following examples of attempted animal selfies. See what I mean..they try so hard. You have to give them credit for the attempt, at the very least. They are all still cute, if somewhat photographically challenged. Sorry for that last one. Just thought I'd try it.

Nope, I don't think that's how it's done Paulie...
The fine feathered fowl seem to have the hang of it.

Close, Donkey, close.

Not bad, Dinkums, not bad.

Yeah. Not quite the look I was going for. At least you cant see my real mustache..

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Why blogging is SO HARD..by Carmen Horton

     How can blogging be hard, people might wonder.. You just sit down and type out whatever you want to say, right? Well, in theory, that is how it works. But then, real life happens, and you look and whoa! It has been months (and months) since you last wrote on your blog. So, you say I AM GOING TO DO BETTER...And you do...for a month or two. Suddenly, spring has turned to fall..or in my particular case, WINTER, and here you are playing catch up and trying to come up with good excuses as to why you haven't written. Oh...I've got excuses..AND PLENTY OF THEM. Here they are, in no particular order.
Milly thinking up excuses for Granny

    My biggest excuse for not having time to write..it MIGHT have to be my little friend Amelia aka Chummy Chumpkin. Last time I wrote she wasn't fond of Granny and her jokes, but now, she has come around to granny's way of thinking. We get to spend time together on most days and have lots of fun. See action shots below.

     What else?? Oh yes. Cooking. This farm doesn't run without food and it is my job to cook us up tasty vittles. Time consuming for sure. That and laundry and it is a miracle I find time to take a shower.
Mole-asses cookies
Chicken enchiladas..OLE!

     Next excuse...Would have to be Facebook and having to update my status. I know most people don't care what I'm doing or eating or wearing...BUT! There are those that do..and it is my job to keep the world informed. Oh..and my underwear today are pink..btw. Meant to post that earlier. ANYWHO...I digress.

     Well in keeping with the Facebook status updates..there is my need to post my selfies. I have a never ending supply because frankly...they are just so good. Someone should tell Kim K to drop me a note..I will fill her in on how to take a good selfie. She needs help. Seriously.

      Oh yeah! A major time sucker...animals. I am so busy everyday with these critters it is amazing I get a chance to even take a selfie. Dogs in..dogs out. Molly wants to be fed..Molly wants to be held. Molly wants a belly rub. Spoiled rotten. And makes it impossible to blog. Plus..there are the 4 cats. Of course they think they need food..attention..litterbox changing. Needy little beasts.
Molly and Annalee..aww cozy
Wants to come in..
Wants to go out...
Wants to come in...

      Plus..hair-do appointments. I mean..I have two a year..sucks up SO much time. Oh..and grocery shopping. Wow. Always running in the store for one or two things. Well..I don't run actually. Well, really I send Cliff...BUT I have to make the lists. Hours and hours I swear.

     Then of course..one must sleep/ Or try to, as is the case here. Dogs pushing on you..dogs snoring..too hot..too cold. Still..I do spend hours trying to do that task. Just don't manage to accomplish it very often. Or very well. However..I give it my best shot and try to be in bed no later then ..7. I know. Sad. But..that is another reason I cant blog. Need beauty sleep. Thank God its working.
no room at the Inn
Me and my teddie peke...

      Well...now you have a better understanding of why it is SO HARD to blog. This is now the point where I swear I will DO BETTER..WRITE OFTEN..BLAH  BLAH. See ya in April. :D