|Previous birthday festivities|
Cameron and I went to Windham today for various errands, and he reminded me of a couple incidents that happened to me, that while not funny at the moment, are pretty funny now. Interesting how that happens..good thing I have a sense of humor.
One example of one of those weird things that seem to only happen to me, and me alone...The Baconator assault. Ever been hurt eating a burger? I have. The one (and only) time I ate a Baconator from a certain fast food joint that shall go unnamed ( Wendys), I had a sharp piece of bacon actually impale my gum, making me bleed. Who even knew you could make a shank out of a pork product. Prisoners have it all wrong whittling down tooth brushes and razor handles. You can do serious damage to delicate tissue just by poking it with a sharp shard of bacon. I was bleeding so badly, I couldn't even finish my sandwich, not that I didn't give it the old college try. I paid for that weapon of mass destruction, after all. Yuck.
Another example of "it can only happen to Carmen", occurred one day when I was driving to Windham with Brogan, Cam and Cam's friend Isaiah. Due to my kidney issues, I am prone to cramps, sometimes so severe I can't help but yell, writhe and make all sorts of faces and noises while I try and get the spasms to stop. At the time, they are not funny AT ALL. However, this one time, it was pretty funny.
I was driving along, Bro in the passenger seat, listening to Cam and Isaiah chatting away in the backseat. Suddenly, WHAM!! I had a huge spasm in my right hand, which naturally, was the one I was holding the steering wheel with.
"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" I yelled, as my right thumb was locked into a spasm tightly against my palm. I had no choice but to drive the car into the breakdown lane, yelling "AHHHHHH, AHHHHH" the entire time.
"WHAT??WHAT??" Isaiah yelled, trying to see what calamity had just erupted in the front seat.
"MY THUMB! I CAN'T MOVE MY THUMB!!" I yelled back. I actually had to take my left hand and manually bend my thumb back out of the locked position it was in. We sat there on the side of the road for a few moments, hazard lights blinking, while I regained my composure.
"Whew, okay, let's go, " I said, pulling back out into the road. Darned if we hadn't gone about a quarter of a mile when the same thing happened, my right thumb cramped into a wonky position, our car careening back into the breakdown lane, Isaiah and I both hollering. I think we FINALLY got to Windham, but it was one long trip.
As if kidney disease and it's cramps, asthma and allergies and bad joints weren't enough, I also suffered from sleep apnea. As any number of friends, neighbors, and random strangers that had the dubious honor of catching me dozing in public will attest, I used to snore like a water buffalo with a head cold. It was measurable on the richter scale. It was tragic. Didn't bother me any, but I knew if I wanted to ever co-habitate successfully with anyone, I better try and solve the problem.
So, I went to see my Doctor, who then sent me to see a Doctor, who then sent me to a sleep clinic. After being fully wired up, I went to sleep, I guess. I didn't think I had even nodded off, but I must have, as the next day they had a diagnosis. They announced I did indeed snore, and stopped breathing, thus having a moderate case of sleep apnea. They prescribed a "CPAP" machine, and away I went to try it out.
For those not in the know, a CPAP machine is this little machine with a face mask and long tube that fits over your face and forces the air into your nose, and down into your lungs. It does it with a pretty darn strong stream of air, thus making sure you don't have sleep apnea.
It lasted about three nights. It felt like I had my own personal tornado blowing up my nose. I swear my eyeballs were whistling, there was so much pressure. I gave it a really good try as I was very hopeful it would work, and besides.. My only other option was .....dieting. Apparently dieting will also help eliminate snoring since you will lose the fatty throat, neck, and body tissue that can cause snoring.
The final straw came on about the third or fourth night. I was in the middle of this terrible dream. I was in a life or death struggle with a giant snake. I couldn't tell if it was a Boa or an Anaconda, but we were writhing and rolling and twisting. That snake was doing everything it could to kill me, and I was fighting with all my might to get it off me. I awoke, heart pounding and sweaty, and realized I was choking the life out of my CPAP breathing tube, which was hissing and whistling as I squeezed it and throttled it over my head. I tossed it to the floor, wiped the sweat from my brow and vowed to diet.
|Also in need of dieting..my teddie Peke|
PS...I also need to go to a professional photographer and get some decent head shots. In trying to find a fair at best photo of me for this blog..these are a small sample of all I had to work with.
|Me digging in septic tank|
|me, impersonating Santa in cemetery|