Homeland Farm

Homeland Farm

Sunday, February 24, 2013

..But that I only have one life to live...or do I??

Before Hard time...
   I was lying in bed today, trying to overcome yet another bout of vertigo. If you have never had vertigo, I don't recommend it. Feeling the room spin for no particular reason is real bummer. Trust me. It did however give me a chance to play with my new "tablet", and I made a really interesting discovery.
   All this time, I thought I was just a mere farmgal/blogger/small town girl. Oh, but I am SO MUCH MORE! Let me tell you, I may be only 50, but I have seen and done a lot! I will fill you in on my great, and not so great accomplishments.
   First off, I didn't know it, but apparently have been "tweeting"...yep, I have a "Twitter" account, and apparently tweet as 'Carmita24'..must be when I am feeling all sassy and latin-y. OLE! Of course, that is after working my forty hours a week as a Nurse Practitioner in Texas. (Spell check says I am spelling that wrong, so I hope I am a better doctor then a speller.)
     Which I must be because  I  just bought a half million dollar house in Alpharetta, Georgia, Thank you very much!! Makes me wonder why I am here in snowy Maine right now, I tell ya! I am sure it must be nice in my cozy manse in the ole south tonight. Or, maybe I should go to one of my other properties...I have apparently been hanging out in Kansas a lot too, and Florida. Oh, and the UK. Ah, the life of a wealthy wanderer.
       When I am not in jail. Yes, sad to say, but I have had a couple unfortunate run ins with the long arm of the law. I have mugshots in Polk County Florida, and had a bit of trouble again in Houston, Texas. Which is funny, as I don't even remember going to those places.
        You would think I would definitely remember being in Texas, as I gave birth there for goodness sake! Little fella named David. Definitely NOT in the MOTHER OF THE YEAR running this year!
        Besides being a DR, I have had a few other positions as well. I have worked on some railroad and written about it in a journal called" RAILWAY CARMEN", out of Horton, Kansas. AND, in an odd coincidence, I have had a story written about ME...A fella by the name of T.P.Horton wrote.."Carmen made herself at home...Carmen began to lean back against the wall, pulling her dress up, slowly sliding her hands...." and that's as the excerpt went.  I ought to buy that book. Maybe learn something new and exciting. Apparently, I am one hot ticket!
       But then again, I am pretty busy with my hobbies. I am on Pinterest, Spokeo, My Life, Myspace, Mixcloud, Bebo, LinkedIn, and of course Twitter.
       And now, for what would I guess be my last TWEET. I apparently predeceased my younger brother when I died in North Carolina awhile back. Did I mention I was a man? WHO KNEW! RIP Joe Carmen Horton. Meet ya on the other side, in the CARMEN HORTON section of Heaven.
AFTER hard time...and well, a bout of Vertigo! :D

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Real Housewives of Bridgton Maine

    I don't usually watch much television, but lately have found myself flipping through the channels for a couple hours before bed. I can not say I am a fan of any of the "Real Housewives of BLANK", but have seen enough of a few of them to know one thing...Their lives are not very real. Or, perhaps, maybe it is just that my life is so very "unreal". Let me show you what I mean and you can decide.
    First of all, these ladies live in such clean houses. With Kids. And an occasional pet. I wake up in the morning, and have at least 2 dogs on my bed and there is no "teacup" anything. I feel a warm breath on my back at night and know it isn't Cliffy, but the 100 pound behemoth dog wedged between us. And no cutesy names here like "Mr Gibbs" or "Fluffy"..we have cats with substantial names..you know like Stewbeef, and Muffinhead.
       My youngest is a big fan of the military. I can often be seen picking up, putting away(and often wearing) WW2 helmets, army knapsacks, camo jackets and various other military items he leaves laying around. Looks like I am a real "militia mama", if you happen to catch me in the middle of a big clean up.
I will undoubtedly be picking this stuff up later
     The kitchens in these ladies homes really tickles me. Spotless with a capital S. I have to move the pig food pail off my shelf to get to my coffee maker. No "KRUPPS" machine on my shelf..no, I have an old fashioned percolator that I have to wash out and plug in before we have coffee. Well, and that of course is after I feed four cats, and let 2 dogs out (and in and out and in).
      We don't have a butler to get the paper for us, so Cliffy will mosey down the driveway to get it. He can often be heard hollering "CAW! CAW!!" as he stacks old 'crow eggs' beside the mailbox for their breakfast. He comes back with the paper and a load of firewood. He starts the fire in the  kitchen wood stove and I warm up our cups with hot water since our cupboard is so cold it cools our coffee off  if we don't. We finally sit down to a cup of coffee an hour after getting up. Now THAT'S real.
        Supper is just as bad. These housewives can always be seen sitting at a table, loaded with fancy glassware. I was amazed last night. Who does their dishes??? I bet none of them do! When we sit down to eat, I do say there is a good chance your water glass will be chipped. Or plastic. Or not even a glass. A coffee mug often graces our table substituting for a water glass. And yes, most likely chipped. Real enough for ya??
      They all seem to live in wicked nice houses too..ever notice that? Oh yes..huge houses, and well manicured backyards, most likely with a pool. I was walking through my dining room today with a basket of laundry, and stopped to survey the backyard from my picture window. Manicured lawn? Nope.
       My daughter Brogan, and my "spare daughter" Jess were out in the back doing chores, and I watched as Brogan tried to herd the two cows and calf out into the pasture while Jess stood by, holding two skittish Thoroughbred horses. One cow went into the pasture where she was supposed to go, but the other blew past the gate, made a break for it and was loose. The calf was stuck in the corner of the corral and couldn't figure out how to get out with it's mother, Black Betty. I watched as Brogan tried to wrestle the strong, rugged calf out across the ice, yelling at him as she went.
       "Come ON, BAMA LAM! Move!" she yelled.
        I stood there and thought.."Bama lam?? What kind of name is that?" Then remembered. His mother is Black Betty..Come on..Sing it with me..."WHOA BLACK BETTY, BAMA LAM, WHOA BLACK BETTY, BAMA LAM.." Yea, that's how it goes.
         Meanwhile, Jess was desperately trying to round up the escaped cow with two horses I am pretty certain have never even seen a cow before, much less rounded one up. The dogs were leaping and running and leaving their, umm,  "morning constitutionals" in my perennial flower beds, the pot bellied pig was on the loose, the goats were standing around on top of the hay bales, and the peacocks were loose in the woods. Now that's REAL!
        Once I saw the cow was safely caught, and I didn't need to go hop on the 4 wheeler to play 'round up', I continued out to the laundry room with my basket of clothes to wash. I have to step over the hose that runs out from under my laundry shelf and runs the whole length of the floor and out the door to the barn to get to the dryer. I start up a load of laundry, and then take the ice tea out of the 'fridge, although I can only open up the door part way. Hose in the way, don't ya know.
       I go back into the kitchen with my tea, and shove the pile of clean clothes and ammo sitting on the table out of the way so I can drink my tea. I throw more wood into the stove, and think about what I want for a birthday present.
No clean clothes today...only 20 dozen eggs
       Today is my birthday, and my mother invited us out for breakfast. Now these television "housewives" are always dressed to the hilt. Name brand every thing! I was planning what to wear and figured if I could find something without a stain, and can get that knot out of my hair I will be ready to go! The t.v. ladies are also always positively dripping in jewels, especially diamonds. I think I will dig my diamond engagement ring out and wear it tomorrow. I think it's still in the back of my drawer, someplace behind my inhalers, a half used tube of lip balm called 'chicken poop', and a small tin of "Bag balm". No doubt I will need to wipe off a dab of loose hand moisturizer  and pull off a couple cat hairs, but yes, I think I will wear it. Keeping it real here on the farm.
Doesn't every 'REAL HOUSEWIFE' carry kids in her car?
Cliffy and Annalee
      So, back to my present. Cliffy asked me what I'd like for a gift. No furs for this gal. No big jewels, fancy cars or private yachts. I know!  I think this "Real Housewife of Bridgton Maine" would like to go on an exotic trip..full of adventure and excitement. Yesiree! I got it!  I think a romantic trip to the smelt fishing shack is in order! I'll pack a lunch of spam sandwiches, root beer, and make some chocolate chip cookies..Now THAT'S REAL!