Homeland Farm

Homeland Farm

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Real Housewives of Bridgton Maine

    I don't usually watch much television, but lately have found myself flipping through the channels for a couple hours before bed. I can not say I am a fan of any of the "Real Housewives of BLANK", but have seen enough of a few of them to know one thing...Their lives are not very real. Or, perhaps, maybe it is just that my life is so very "unreal". Let me show you what I mean and you can decide.
    First of all, these ladies live in such clean houses. With Kids. And an occasional pet. I wake up in the morning, and have at least 2 dogs on my bed and there is no "teacup" anything. I feel a warm breath on my back at night and know it isn't Cliffy, but the 100 pound behemoth dog wedged between us. And no cutesy names here like "Mr Gibbs" or "Fluffy"..we have cats with substantial names..you know like Stewbeef, and Muffinhead.
       My youngest is a big fan of the military. I can often be seen picking up, putting away(and often wearing) WW2 helmets, army knapsacks, camo jackets and various other military items he leaves laying around. Looks like I am a real "militia mama", if you happen to catch me in the middle of a big clean up.
I will undoubtedly be picking this stuff up later
     The kitchens in these ladies homes really tickles me. Spotless with a capital S. I have to move the pig food pail off my shelf to get to my coffee maker. No "KRUPPS" machine on my shelf..no, I have an old fashioned percolator that I have to wash out and plug in before we have coffee. Well, and that of course is after I feed four cats, and let 2 dogs out (and in and out and in).
      We don't have a butler to get the paper for us, so Cliffy will mosey down the driveway to get it. He can often be heard hollering "CAW! CAW!!" as he stacks old 'crow eggs' beside the mailbox for their breakfast. He comes back with the paper and a load of firewood. He starts the fire in the  kitchen wood stove and I warm up our cups with hot water since our cupboard is so cold it cools our coffee off  if we don't. We finally sit down to a cup of coffee an hour after getting up. Now THAT'S real.
        Supper is just as bad. These housewives can always be seen sitting at a table, loaded with fancy glassware. I was amazed last night. Who does their dishes??? I bet none of them do! When we sit down to eat, I do say there is a good chance your water glass will be chipped. Or plastic. Or not even a glass. A coffee mug often graces our table substituting for a water glass. And yes, most likely chipped. Real enough for ya??
      They all seem to live in wicked nice houses too..ever notice that? Oh yes..huge houses, and well manicured backyards, most likely with a pool. I was walking through my dining room today with a basket of laundry, and stopped to survey the backyard from my picture window. Manicured lawn? Nope.
       My daughter Brogan, and my "spare daughter" Jess were out in the back doing chores, and I watched as Brogan tried to herd the two cows and calf out into the pasture while Jess stood by, holding two skittish Thoroughbred horses. One cow went into the pasture where she was supposed to go, but the other blew past the gate, made a break for it and was loose. The calf was stuck in the corner of the corral and couldn't figure out how to get out with it's mother, Black Betty. I watched as Brogan tried to wrestle the strong, rugged calf out across the ice, yelling at him as she went.
       "Come ON, BAMA LAM! Move!" she yelled.
        I stood there and thought.."Bama lam?? What kind of name is that?" Then remembered. His mother is Black Betty..Come on..Sing it with me..."WHOA BLACK BETTY, BAMA LAM, WHOA BLACK BETTY, BAMA LAM.." Yea, that's how it goes.
         Meanwhile, Jess was desperately trying to round up the escaped cow with two horses I am pretty certain have never even seen a cow before, much less rounded one up. The dogs were leaping and running and leaving their, umm,  "morning constitutionals" in my perennial flower beds, the pot bellied pig was on the loose, the goats were standing around on top of the hay bales, and the peacocks were loose in the woods. Now that's REAL!
        Once I saw the cow was safely caught, and I didn't need to go hop on the 4 wheeler to play 'round up', I continued out to the laundry room with my basket of clothes to wash. I have to step over the hose that runs out from under my laundry shelf and runs the whole length of the floor and out the door to the barn to get to the dryer. I start up a load of laundry, and then take the ice tea out of the 'fridge, although I can only open up the door part way. Hose in the way, don't ya know.
       I go back into the kitchen with my tea, and shove the pile of clean clothes and ammo sitting on the table out of the way so I can drink my tea. I throw more wood into the stove, and think about what I want for a birthday present.
No clean clothes today...only 20 dozen eggs
       Today is my birthday, and my mother invited us out for breakfast. Now these television "housewives" are always dressed to the hilt. Name brand every thing! I was planning what to wear and figured if I could find something without a stain, and can get that knot out of my hair I will be ready to go! The t.v. ladies are also always positively dripping in jewels, especially diamonds. I think I will dig my diamond engagement ring out and wear it tomorrow. I think it's still in the back of my drawer, someplace behind my inhalers, a half used tube of lip balm called 'chicken poop', and a small tin of "Bag balm". No doubt I will need to wipe off a dab of loose hand moisturizer  and pull off a couple cat hairs, but yes, I think I will wear it. Keeping it real here on the farm.
Doesn't every 'REAL HOUSEWIFE' carry kids in her car?
Cliffy and Annalee
      So, back to my present. Cliffy asked me what I'd like for a gift. No furs for this gal. No big jewels, fancy cars or private yachts. I know!  I think this "Real Housewife of Bridgton Maine" would like to go on an exotic trip..full of adventure and excitement. Yesiree! I got it!  I think a romantic trip to the smelt fishing shack is in order! I'll pack a lunch of spam sandwiches, root beer, and make some chocolate chip cookies..Now THAT'S REAL!


  1. Happy Birthday. You've got it right. You've got the real life. You are very blessed and so am I. Enjoy your day!

    1. Thanks Beth! I wouldn't change it for the world! (except, maybe a full time house cleaner! :D )

  2. This is awesome. I'd watch way more of this type of reality show!!! We only have 6 chickens so have a way to go!!!

  3. Thanks for your kind input! I like feed back from readers of my "nonsense!" :D

  4. I had to chuckle while reading this especially because I have had kids in my car (the four legged kind) and sheep!

  5. Yup, that's life here in the woods for us in S Bridgton. Are you still selling eggs & chicken meat?

    1. Hi..Sorry..just saw your note...we still sell eggs but of course now they are in a winter slump. Meatbirds too as we have time to raise them..:D Thanks for reading