Homeland Farm

Homeland Farm

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Carmen crashes the church, film at 11...

       I never seem to run out of places to make a scene. If there is a way, I will find it. And, chances are, it won't be pretty. One time I managed to embarrass myself in front of an entire church congregation, as well as a swarm of "summer folks." I figure if your gonna do it, why not do it big.
     I belong to the Methodist Church here in town, and have baked pies for their summer fund raising suppers for many years. I get a periodic call from Joan, one of the original "church ladies", who fills me in on the details of when the supper will be held and how many pies they need.
    One day she asked me if it would be possible for me to go in early to help set up for the supper, as well as make my two pies. I said that should be fine, and I said I bet Cliffy would even help  too. I am nothing if not a good volunteer musterer. So, the day of the supper, I made my pies early and Cliffy and I hopped in the car to drive down and help set up for the supper. It was one of the churches most popular events..their big roast turkey dinner. It is always a sell out as people can't seem to get enough of a Thanksgiving dinner in July.
     So, we went inside, deposited the pies on the dessert counter, and went about helping to set up for the supper. We rolled silverware in napkins, placed salt and pepper shakers and butter dishes on the table, and helped set up the chairs. It looked very nice, and boy it sure smelled great. We got ready to go home and one of the ladies told us to make sure we came back to eat.
     Now, I don't usually go to the suppers, but having smelled the turkey cooking for the last couple hours had made both Cliffy and I ready for a good turkey dinner. So, we went home, did chores and decided to go back down to eat. Cameron was the only kid at home, and he decided to join us. By the time we got back to the church, the supper was underway and it was a huge success. The line was out the door, and the parking lot was full. We contemplated not going in, as it looked so busy, but I had told the ladies we would be back, and I didn't want to not show up. ( Not doing something you said you were going to do INSIDE of a church just seems wrong...)
     So, Cam, Cliffy and I got in line and waited until it was our time to get inside to eat. By the time we got to the buffet table, let me tell you..it was slim pickings. There was a bit of turkey, and a dite of stuffing, a little cranberry sauce, and a few rolls left-that was it. The ladies were inside the kitchen boiling up a fresh batch of peas, but that was it for vegetables.
     So much for a good turkey dinner. There was still plenty of pie slices, so we figured we would eat what little turkey dinner we had and then have a couple pieces of pie...Dessert is always a good thing. We found three newly vacated seats and sat down to eat, Cam and Cliffy on one side and me on the other.
     The place was noisy and boisterous as people sat around having another cup of coffee. By now, they had taken down the sign and closed the doors, leaving the people inside to finish their dinner at their leisure. Cliff, Cam and I decided not to rush, as they were waiting for the pot of peas to be finished. Peas are NOT my first choice in the veggie world.
     We had really just started to eat, and I think I had eaten about two bites of food, when I looked up at Cam and Cliffy across the table. They were both looking at me, in a rather odd way. The next few moments are, again, one of those slow motion events that replays forever in your head.
      I had my fork in my hand, ready to take another bite of my dinner, when I noticed Cam and Cliff, both staring at me. They looked frozen in time, with their forks full of food, half way up their mouths. Suddenly, I realized that they were leaning hard to the left. Then I realized it wasn't them, it was me, ever so slowly falling out of my chair and then CRASH!
      There was a woman standing behind me who let out this huge GASP! And then, the crowded church full of chatting people fell silent in a quick second.  That old saying..you could hear a pin drop? Yep, that was how it was. I lay ever so ungracefully sprawled on the floor between the tables, my broken chair half under my butt, half under the table. In my total embarrassment, the first words out of my mouth?? In the silence?? They were..and I quote..." I STILL HAVE MY FORK!" Which I waved over my head, from my prone position on the floor.
     I looked up over the edge of the table, expecting my KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR to hop up and hurry over..asking me in a concerned voice if everything is ok? Or, did I hurt myself? Or Something! But, as I sat up, planning my next move, I looked at Cliffy and I am fairly sure I saw him pretending he didn't know me. Yep, pretttyyyyy sure thats what he was doing, food still on his fork, half way to his mouth.. Cam finally managed an "Are you ok mom" from the safety of the other side of the table, as he continued to look a bit stunned.
     By now, I could feel my face turning fire engine red, so I dug my fork into the edge of the table to pull myself up, as no one had YET  moved to help me. I suddenly saw a young man hurrying toward me, and thought to myself..ahhh Chivalry is not dead after all.
    He got to my table, and quickly addressed the "situation" at hand. Then, as I watched and felt my face turn a shade of red I didn't know was possible this side of Hades, he bent down and............grabbed the metal chair, whose two legs on the right side were bent straight out sideways, and hoisted it like a game winning ball player over his head, and announced in a loud commanding voice, " COMING THOUGH! COMING THROUGH!" He walked the entire length of the church, the mortally wounded chair waving high above his head for the entire congregation to see.
    Now, I didn't want to get up at all,  as I would have preferred the dark quiet of UNDER the table much better, but knew I had no choice. I oh so ungracefully climbed up off the floor, and assured Cliffy, still wearing a stunned expression on his face, that I was fine, and no, I could get my own new chair. People had by now started chatting again, and since  I still had my fork, I figured I would finish eating my cooling supper.
     We were done fairly soon, but I stalled until I thought most people were gone, so we could leave without facing too many people, lest I know any of them. So, we got up and I slunk carefully toward the door, trying not to make eye contact, and hoping not to have to make conversation. We got to the exit, and lo and behold, the very "helpful" young man had taken the offending chair away and left it to go out to the trash, right beside the exit, so I am fairly sure EVERY church go-er had a good glimpse as they were leaving.
    I still bake pies for the church, but as of this writing, we have not been back to eat. I decided it would be a cold day in........well..you know.
A wild turkey out my bedroom window!

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