Homeland Farm

Homeland Farm

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Not QUITE ready for AARP!

       I am not sure exactly when it happened, but apparently I got old. I think it must have happened sometime after my 49th birthday, as near as I can figure. It seemed one day I was a young, vibrant 48 year old, and then next BAM! Old people catalogs started filling my mailbox. Ordinarily, I  don't really look at the stack of catalogs I receive almost daily. I only glance at them as I stuff them into the recycle bag.
     They range, well, let me rephrase that, they USED to range from horse owner catalogs to cooking catalogs, from LL Bean outerwear, to a country woman catalog featuring nice colorful sweatshirts and calenders. All pretty mundane stuff.
      However, lately I have noticed a distinct trend, and frankly, I don't like it one bit. Old people catalogs. Now, perhaps someone in cyberspace read my blog about being "not as good as I once was.." and then there was the reference I made to being a bit "past my prime." However, this gives no reason for the onslaught of "oldster" stuff I have been getting in the mail lately.
        The title of the last one was innocent enough.."Full of Life." Sounds nice, I thought as I opened it up to do a quick flip through before I stuffed it into the recycle bag. Well, they say full of life, but what they should call it is "One Step Closer to the Assisted Living." I actually flipped it back over to make sure it was truly addressed to me, hoping, well SURE actually, that I was reading someone else's mail. Nope, Carmen C Horton in big bold letters.
        So, I pulled up the kitchen chair, and sat down to peruse "my" new catalog. Sure, there was the usual array of items such as the "Upside down tomato"planter, and a window bird feeder, and the always popular "Pajama pants."
        But then, the theme of the catalog took a devious, dark turn. I suddenly found myself looking at stuff I shouldn't even know exists for another 20 years or so. I went from a harmless banana ripening bag, to the not so pleasant thought of an adult bib..in several colors....all washable and two sided though, very clever I thought. The "Saliva Stimulating Lozenge," the "Lung Cream", and the "Urine Stain Remover" spray bottle with the happy smiling couple, (that thankfully looked NOTHING like Cliffy and I) all made for interesting reads. The "Edible Deodorant" was exciting..apparently it is all the rage in hawaii..Who knew. Liz T. is a firm believer.
She says, and I quote.."Nobody noticed I hadn't used my regular deodorant in a week!" My gosh, that is some good stuff. She went on to say it even stopped her morning breath and foot odor. A Miracle, I say!
        Then came the whole section of contraptions. I saw some of the darndest things ever. Wearable supports for your neck, knees, back, feet and ankles, and my personal favorite...a hernia truss. That is an odd, and frankly, uncomfortable looking rig. Straps, and a belt and underwear all rolled into one. Supposed to be "invisible under most clothes..", yeah, right. Sort of reminded me of my grandmothers corset, or as she used to call it..her corselet. I looked up that word for the fun of it, and it means a "piece of armor covering the trunk of the body." She told me to try it on one day, said it would "make me feel better." I did, and it didn't. It actually did feel like body armor. I really don't know how she wore that her whole life. I was not a fan.
        Next came a whole section on hair removal. I guess that's an affliction all us women have to contend with, because they were removing hair from everywhere....nose, face, ears, bikini area..Really??  Seniors?? Wow. Then there was the section for men, trying to add hair..hair paints, sprays, even a "Laser light Hair Rejuvenator", a brush that stimulates hair growth with a  laser beam. Interesting. I suppose if you hear someone breaking in, you can blind them with your hairbrush..it is pretty expensive, you should get two jobs out of that bad boy.
          Now, I have been poking fun, but will admit right now, I did..um..bend a couple pages, you know, for future reference. The "Royal Tush EEZ Cushion" did look cozy, and as I sit on my uncomfortable desk chair writing this blog, my Tush is NOT very cushioned..so that is a  "maybe". The "Himalayan Salt Deodorant" sounds good..it lasts 6 months, and I don't have to eat it, so I might consider that. I only saw one thing I think I would really like.
          Brogan, it is only March, but May and Mother's Day isn't too far away, so if you look on page 47, in the middle of the column, sandwiched between the "Toilet Tissue Holder that reaches where you can't" and the "Disposable Adult Wash clothes", there is one thing I circled..I don't know..Do you think a "Bidet Spray" would work with our plumbing??
WAY too young for a "Hinged Toliet Booster Seat"...

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