Homeland Farm

Homeland Farm

Friday, March 22, 2013

I'm sure this stuff happens to other people too...

Is this the face of someone easily embarrassed?
      If you have read many of my blogs, you may have picked up on a theme, or pattern, of sorts. It seems that I have a certain talent for unintentionally embarrassing myself, and others in my circle of friends and relatives. It is a miracle anyone will be seen with me, in public or at home.
       You remember the story of my cousin Zenya and I slapping the cop at the fourth of July parade. Well, I slapped him, Zenya was my "accomplice", as it were. I think that was one of the last times she went to the parade with me. Odd.
        Then of course, there was the time I totally embarrassed myself by slamming a nice old farmer on the noggin with my tailgate. Knocked him right off his feet. He was very gracious about it, but as they say in many magazine columns .."WAS MY FACE RED!"
         I was equally embarrassed when I got stuck half way up on the backhoe, and Brogan had to drive her head into my 'nether regions' to give me the boost I needed to make it all the way up to the seat. That in itself was not all that embarrassing, as it took place in my own back yard. The embarrassing part was when I found out later my mother was across the field in her house watching, and giving a play by play account to my cousin in Scotland, with whom she was chatting with on the phone. Kind of embarrassing!
       Then of course, there was the church supper where my chair gave way and dumped me very LOUDLY to the floor. Oh yes, my face was very red that day. Everyone was staring, and all I could think to say was "I still have my fork!", as I waved it above my head from my prone position on the floor.
       There have even been times I embarrassed myself, and no one even saw it. Like the time I was working nights at a local hospital. It was several years ago, and I was working 11pm to 7 am. Hard on a single mother, but you do what you have to do to get by.
        I had worked a couple nights in a row and was very tired, as I never had much time to get a really decent sleep at home once I was done work. So, by the time I got into work for my third night in a row, I was exhausted.
       One of the jobs I had to do was make out patient cards for each room, with the patients last name, and then first name, plus the date. It was monotonous and boring and I always put the television on to keep myself awake.
       At midnight, I was pleased when the television station started to play reruns of the old 1970's show "The Dukes of Hazzard", one of my favorite shows. I would watch Bo and Luke Duke, the handsome good guys, and Roscoe P Coltrane and Boss Hogg, the bad guys, while I filled out the patient id cards. Then the nurses would then come down to my department, pick them up and take them to the patient rooms.
        One night I was watching television and filling out my cards. After I finished, I stacked them up and put an elastic on the bundle for the nurses. I called down to the nurses station to tell them to the cards were ready, and went to set them down on the counter.Then I saw the first patients name.
         The very top patient card was made out to "Hogg, Boss." And of course, here comes the nurse to get the cards. I had to tell her she couldn't take them, as I had to find out which patient had morphed into "Hogg, Boss." She never knew why she couldn't take the cards, but I know my face was red. She probably thought I was coming down with something.
          Another stellar moment of fun, was when my daughter had her first 'male friend' over for supper. I spent the day cleaning house, and prepared a special supper for his first family gathering. I had already gotten the "Mother! Don't embarrass me!!" speech, and really had no intention of doing so. Things just....happen.
         I like to cook, and am known far and wide for my wonderful suppers. Okay, I am kidding. I do like to cook, but really should have known better then to try a "new recipe" out on a first time guest, especially a potential beau. BUT! I like to live life on the edge, so it was indeed new recipe night.
        Now, let me go on the record as saying the young man DID like it. And I myself thought it was quite tasty, as I am a big fan of BBQ. But, hindsight being what it is, I perhaps could have handled matters a bit more "delicately", perhaps.
        However, this is me we are talking about though, so as I plunked down that big dutch oven of shredded meat, I of course asked the young fella.."SO! Have you ever had your meat pulled??"
          Ahh, I laugh now as I look back and think about the expression on my daughters face as the realization of what I had just said, set in. I honestly did not even think one thing about it, as I said it. That's because I am as pure as the driven snow (insert wink here.) The fella ended up being only a friend, and still is to this day. I am trying to remember how he responded to my question.....hmmm.
          Brogan has been "fortunate" to have been around for several of my finer moments of mayhem. Like the time we went to a very exclusive store. That I haven't been back to since.
         I have wicked bad knees that cause lots of misery if I am walking in stores for any length of time, so if I am going to be out shopping for a long time, I will use a "BEEP BEEP", as we call them. Motorized scooters are great, but can be a hazard. At least when I am driving them.
         Once when I was driving one, my sleeve got caught on the gas as I was 'dismounting', and I was almost my own hit and run victim. The darn thing went up and over my foot and almost took me off my feet. On this particular occasion, I was okay, just a certain display wasn't.
         We were at a famous expensive store, and I had already been on my feet all day. It was Christmas shopping time and I don't get out much so I was bound to shop til I dropped. (something.) (And I did.)
          Bro got me a BEEP BEEP, and let me tell you, this was a good one! That sucker was turbo charged, I swear. I am used to feeble, slow moving scooters like you see in HOVER ROUND commercials. This scooter was hopped up on steroids. I felt like I was Lance Armstrong! WOOHOO!
  Well, we went here and there, and I quickly discovered a slight issue with the SCOOTER MAXIMUS.
          It was really large (had to be, all those horses under the hood...)and the aisles were rather,  lets just say, tight. Well, Brogan and I were finishing a turn in a particularly narrow area, when CRASH!!!!!!! I went full throttle into a standing display. Of fine, ceramic coasters. Which, oddly enough, were not wrapped in plastic. So, as they crashed to the floor, they A) all came spilling out of their boxes and B) all shattered into many pieces. And there were A LOT of them. Many. Many many, many.
         As I backed down off the top of the display, beeping loudly as I went,  Brogan gasped a very loud gasp, and said something like "HOLY BLEEP, Mother!!!"  I said..."Oh oh..." and here comes a sales dude. Running.
        So, we started putting the coasters back into boxes fast. Well, not we. Brogan did. I didn't want my prints all over those things. The coasters were wildlife scenes, and I couldn't help but notice some moose now had trout tails, and the white tail deer coaster was half deer and half eagle, like some freakish horoscope sign. As she scurried around and righted my wrong,  we told the fella "Nothing to see here...move along!!" Seriously, I only broke..three, or was it four?. Most were fine and the guy was nice. They make a fair amount of money and I am sure I didn't put them out of business. However, I did see a picture of my face with a red slash through it on their door the last time I drove by. Some people just can't take a joke...
If the dog isn't embarrassed, neither am I..
        

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